• Wins: 26
• losses: 30
• shootout wins: 3
• shootout losses: 3
• points: 56

. recap.

Maple Leafs top Oilers 4-3 in OT
Thursday, 02.16.2012 / 1:55 AM
Tim Connolly and the Toronto Maple Leafs both ended painful slumps on Wednesday night.

Connolly ended a 17-game dry spell when he scored 1:39 into overtime to give Toronto a 4-3 victory against the Edmonton Oilers at Rexall Place on Wednesday night, ending the Maple Leafs’ losing streak at four games.

The Oilers overcame deficits of 2-0 and 3-2 to force overtime on Jordan Eberle’s goal with 4:04 left in regulation and had a chance to win in the extra period when they came on a 3-on-1 break. But Dion Phaneuf raced back to pick Ryan Whitney’s pocket and start a 3-on-1 the other way. Joffrey Lupul carried up the left side and put the puck on Connolly’s stick for a tap-in.

“That was a huge win for us,” said Toronto defenseman Jake Gardiner, whose goal early in the third period put the Leafs ahead 3-2. “You don’t lose four games in a row all that often and when you do it’s not a great feeling. That fifth game means a lot and I’m happy we got it.”

The win gives the Leafs 64 points, three more than ninth-place Washington in the scramble for playoff berths in the Eastern Conference, and a split of two games in Alberta — they lost 5-1 at Calgary on Tuesday. Toronto has two days off before wrapping up a Western Canada trip Saturday in Vancouver.

“That last game was a tough one to swallow,” Leafs defenseman Cody Franson said. “This was a big game for us as a result. It was kind of a must-have two points after the way our last four have gone. We battled hard to get the points tonight.”

Edmonton had its four-game winning streak at Rexall Place snapped, though the Oilers did get a point in a game they trailed 2-0 before many of the 16,839 fans had found their seats.

“When we’ve got multiple lines going like we did tonight, we’re a dangerous team,” Eberle said. “We need that to happen more often.”

The Leafs broke a 2-2 tie at 6:46 of the third period, 10 seconds into their second power play of the night. With Ryan Jones off for delay of game after flipping the puck into the crowd, Gardiner teed up a straightaway slapper from just inside the blue line and fired it through a screen past Nikolai Khabibulin for his third of the season.

But Eberle capped nearly a minute of pressure when he took a feed from Whitney, battled through David Steckel’s check and stepped into the slot before wristing his 25th of the season over James Reimer’s glove and just under the crossbar.

The Oilers got a power play with 2:06 left in regulation when Darryl Boyce was called for hooking Taylor Hall as Hall drove to the net, but were unable to capitalize.

“We had a slow start but came back hard and played a good game,” said Oilers’ forward Ben Eager, who scored Edmonton’s first goal. We had our chances to win, but unfortunately couldn’t convert.”

With supporters in the full house at Rexall Place chanting “Go Leafs Go,” Toronto needed just 40 seconds to make them happy by grabbing a 1-0 lead. Lupul grabbed a loose puck and wristed it past Khabibulin after the Oilers were unable to clear the zone.

It became 2-0 just 58 seconds later when Franson fired a long pass from his own zone that caught Matthew Lombardi in full flight during a bad change by the Edmonton defense. Lombardi raced in and wristed a shot past Khabibulin for his seventh of the season and a 2-0 lead for the Leafs just 1:38 into the game.

But before the Leafs could enjoy their two-goal margin, half of it disappeared. The Oilers forechecked hard, Lennart Petrell beat his man and centered a pass into the slot, where Eager ripped it past Reimer at 2:32.

Both teams had chances during the rest of the period, which ended with the Leafs up 2-1 on the scoreboard and 14-10 on the shot clock.
“The guys stabilized themselves, they settled down and tried to make it less of a track meet start — minimize the damage,” Oilers coach Ton Renney said. “I thought they did a good job of that.”

But the second period belonged to the Oilers. Edmonton outshot Toronto 13-3 in the middle 20 minutes and tied the score at 8:15 when Hall raced past Nikolai Kulemin to the net and deflected Sam Gagner’s pass behind Reimer for his 20th of the season. Ales Hemsky nearly put the Oilers ahead late in the period, but he rang the post on a breakaway after beating Franson.

Hemsky rang the post again 1:07 into the third period after clearly beating Reimer from the right circle. Reimer denied Hemsky again with 6:30 left after he danced past the defense and cut in from the left circle in search of the tying goal.

“They were coming at us full speed but we gathered ourselves together in the third period,” Toronto coach Ron Wilson said. “I was happy that we got it to overtime.
“We did a lot of good things tonight and rebounded off of how we played in Calgary.”

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• Wins: 25
• losses: 30
• shootout wins: 3
• shootout losses: 3
• points: 54

. recap.

Flames cruise past Leafs, 5-1
Wednesday, 02.15.2012 / 12:49 AM
CALGARY — Hockey fans in Calgary were a lot more welcoming to the visiting Toronto Maple Leafs than the Flames were at the Scotiabank Saddledome on Tuesday night.

In front of a decidedly pro-Maple Leafs crowd, Toronto was shown a lot less love by the Flames — on Valentine’s Day, no less — handing the Maple Leafs a 5-1 loss and pushing Toronto’s losing streak to a season-high four games.

“I’m kind of disappointed we let them down,” coach Ron Wilson said. “There’s a huge Leaf contingent.”

The victory maintains Calgary’s dominance over Toronto on home ice. The Flames haven’t lost to the Maple Leafs in Calgary since Dec. 27, 2002 — a string of seven consecutive games.

Calgary had especially little affection for Maple Leafs captain Dion Phaneuf, back for just the second time since being dealt from Calgary on Jan. 31, 2010. Despite the rambunctious crowd cheering on the road team, Phaneuf was loudly booed by the Flames faithful every time he touched the puck.

Alex Tanguay, who finished with a goal and two assists, wasn’t about to admit to hearing the jeers.

“I didn’t hear anything,” Tanguay said. “We knew that he’d get fired up for this game.”

Flames fans ended up with the last cheer despite some tense moments to start the game.

The teams traded posts early on. Seeing his first action in seven games after an injury sidelined Carl Gunnarsson, Mike Komisarek rang the crossbar on a seeing-eye shot from the point just 1:44 in. Jarome Iginla countered by finding iron at 4:28.

But Tanguay found the back of the net just 15 seconds later. Taking a pass from the corner from Olli Jokinen, Tanguay fired the puck over the blocker of goalie Jonas Gustavsson to give the Flames a 1-0 lead.

Tanguay returned the favor at 8:13. After hesitating with the puck at the Toronto blue line, Iginla sprung Tanguay and Jokinen in on a 2-on-1. Tanguay found Jokinen, who one-timed the pass into the net before Gustavsson could react.

Miikka Kiprusoff did his best to keep the Maple Leafs off the board, making a glove save after Joffrey Lupul deflected a Phaneuf point shot. On the ensuing faceoff, Toronto broke through on its 14th shot of the period. Tyler Bozak set up on Kiprusoff’s doorstep and managed to bang home his sixth goal in eight games with 3:18 remaining in the period to bring the Leafs within one.

Phil Kessel almost evened the game at 7:01 of the second period. Rushing down the slot, Kessel one-timed a pass flush off the crossbar. The misfortune proved costly for Toronto near the midway mark of the game.

After taking a lob-pass from Cory Sarich, recently-recalled Paul Byron streaked in all alone on Gustavsson. Before Byron could get his shot off, he was hauled down by Phaneuf and awarded a penalty shot. Byron picked up the puck, came down the middle and went wide right before cutting back and firing a shot past Gustavsson’s blocker to put the Flames up 3-1 at 9:15.

“It’s just the same move as I do every day in practice or in any other penalty shot or shootout … just stay calm, stay focused,” Byron said. “I made a couple fakes, read what the goalie gives me and just make the best move.”

It is the second consecutive game the Flames have received a goal from a player immediately after being summoned from the Abbotsford Heat, Calgary’s American Hockey League affiliate. Roman Horak scored in his NHL return Saturday against the Vancouver Canucks.

“There’s a lot of opportunity here,” Byron said. “There’s a lot of important guys out of the lineup. I think other guys on the team have got to step up and respond to that and I think everyone’s doing that.”

Gustavsson did his best to keep the Maple Leafs in the game in the third.

After Tanguay put the puck over the net on a partial breakaway, he turned aside a Blake Comeau blast near the midway mark of the third period.

But Comeau eventually got the better of Gustavsson, taking a Michael Cammalleri pass from behind the net and putting it over the glove of the goaltender with 4:51 remaining in the game. Iginla added another with 2:16 left, firing the puck over Gustavsson’s glove for his 22nd goal of the season.

“That’s how the game’s going to be when we have to gamble a bit,” Gustavsson said. “It doesn’t really matter in the end if you lose 3-1 or 5-1. At least we gave it a chance to come back.”

The pair of tallies iced the game for Calgary and gave Kiprusoff his 302nd career victory, tying Turk Broda for 25th on the all-time list.

“He’s won a Vezina,” Phaneuf said of Kiprusoff, who stopped 41 shots. “He knows how to win games. He’s one of the top goalies in the League. He’s had a lot of success and he played extremely well tonight for them.”

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• Maple Leafs 4, Red Wings 3.
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• Wins: 25
• losses: 29
• shootout wins: 3
• shootout losses: 3
• points: 54

. recap.

Canadiens rout Leafs to spoil Sundin’s night
Saturday, 02.11.2012 / 11:50 PM
The cheers that washed down on Mats Sundin were long gone before the final horn went off at the Air Canada Centre on Saturday night.

The Toronto Maple Leafs honored their all-time scoring leader by raising a banner honoring his No. 13 to the rafters of the Air Canada Centre before their game against Montreal. By the end of the night, the cheers for Sundin had turned to boos for the current Leafs after the Canadiens spoiled the party with a 5-0 victory.

It was a nightmarish end to a night that began with the Leafs honoring their longtime captain – who urged the crowd during his speech to get behind the team because of the difficulty of playing in Toronto.

“We just didn’t play well,” Leafs captain Dion Phaneuf said. “I don’t think there’s much more than needs to be said. It’s disappointing, with where we’re at in the standings, not to come out and play our best.”

The Leafs’ third straight loss kept them from widening the gap on ninth-place Washington; they still lead the Caps by a point in the race for the last playoff spot in the East. Montreal, which looked dead in the water a week ago, has won four in a row and climbed into 11th place, seven points behind Toronto.

“No matter who we’re playing we have to play this kind of hockey,” Montreal coach Randy Cunneyworth said. “We were rewarded for playing the right way.”

Five different Canadiens scored goals, Tomas Plekanec had a pair of assists and Carey Price stopped 32 shots for his fourth shutout of the season and the 16th of his career. Price also earned his second assist of the season when he started the play that led to Mathieu Darche’s breakaway goal early in the third period.

“Tonight was a big night for Sundin and I was really honored to be a part of that,” Price said. “But I didn’t want to win it any more or any less just because it was a retirement party.”

It was the first shutout by the Canadiens in Toronto since Jose Theodore blanked the Leafs 4-0 on Oct. 11, 2003. Nikolai Kulemin came closest to ending Price’s shutout bid when his blast from the slot with 3:40 remaining hit both posts and rolled up the goaltender’s leg — but stayed out.

“In the end, Carey Price made all the stops and we didn’t get very many,” Leafs coach Ron Wilson said after his goaltenders — James Reimer and Jonas Gustavsson — combined for just 13 saves on 18 Montreal shots. “It made for a difficult night.”

Though the Leafs outshot Montreal 14-8 in the first period, there were only a handful of scoring chances as the teams appeared to take a long time to get their legs under them following the ceremonies for Sundin.

That all changed in the second period, when the Canadiens blew the game open with four goals.

Montreal killed an early penalty to Hal Gill, who played a role in the game’s first goal.

Eric Cole was carrying up the right side just as Gill stepped out of the box and briefly joined the rush, backing off the Leafs’ defense before turning to get to the bench. With some extra room, Cole raced into the zone, cut to the middle and fired a stoppable shot that went through the five-hole and past Reimer at 5:01.

“The first goal was probably a stoppable shot,” Wilson said. “(It put us) down to a team that wants to play everybody back and rob you of your speed and the kind of game you want to play. That first goal was critical and we talked about that. It wasn’t a good goal to give up, and bad things happened after that.”

Rene Bourque made it 2-0 at 6:45, blasting a one-timer from the right circle past Reimer after a giveaway by the Leafs in their own zone. Darche picked up the pick and slipped it to Plekanec for a perfect cross-slot pass that Bourque hammered past Reimer.

Montreal then blew the game open with two goals in a three-minute span late in the period.

Max Pacioretty, coming off a hat trick against the Islanders on Thursday, fired a power-play rebound past Reimer at 15:45. It was the first power-play goal allowed by the Leafs in 18 games in 2012; Toronto had killed off 31 consecutive power plays since Winnipeg scored with the extra man on Dec. 31.

The 18-game streak without a power-play goal allowed was two short of the NHL record set by Chicago in 1969-70 – and the longest by the Leafs since 1940-41.

Lars Eller triggered plenty of boos from the home fans with his unassisted goal at 18:45. Eller carried unchecked through the neutral zone, danced around Phaneuf and swept in before cutting past Reimer and dunking the puck into an empty net for his 12th of the season and the Canadiens’ fourth on seven shots in the period.

“We’re just playing like a team,” Montreal defenseman P.K. Subban said. “I think that we’re all on the same page, we’re supporting each other through thick and thin. We have to continue to do that if we’re going to be successful as a team.

“The moment that we start pointing fingers at each other or getting away from the game plan it’s not going to work.”

The Leafs changed goaltenders to start the third period, but it didn’t help – Price made a save and cleared the puck to Plekanec, whose brilliant pass from his own half-boards caught Darche in stride at the Leafs’ blue line just as he split the defense. Darche roared in alone and beat Gustavsson from 15 feet at 1:29 for a five-goal lead.

The rest of the night was dedicated to getting Price his shutout.

“It’s definitely motivating when he’s playing like that,” Pacioretty said, “because you want to win it for him and you want to give him the shutout.”

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. recap.

Flyers edge Maple Leafs 4-3
Thursday, 02.09.2012 / 11:13 PM
Two nights after they were unable to turn scoring chances into goals, the Philadelphia Flyers ‘ top line came through when it mattered.

Claude Giroux and Brayden Schenn scored 74 seconds apart in the second period as the Flyers held off the Toronto Maple Leafs 4-3 on Thursday night at the Wells Fargo Center, snapping a three-game losing streak.

Scott Hartnell and Max Talbot also had goals for Philadelphia, which outshot the New York Islanders 45-18 on Tuesday but lost 1-0 in a shootout. Philadelphia’s top line of Giroux, Hartnell and Jaromir Jagr combined for four points after going scoreless on 16 shots in the loss to the Isles.

“We were cycling, we had the confidence going and we had some chances,” Hartnell said. “We work well together.”

Tyler Bozak scored two goals and Joffrey Lupul had one for the Leafs, who were 6-2-1 in their previous nine games.

“They were a team that lost three in a row, and they just took it to us in the first.” Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson said. “We coughed up the puck too much. We worked so hard to make it 2-2. We just have to learn from it.”

Sergei Bobrovsky made 24 saves, including a pad stop on Bozak’s rocket during a 4-on-2 rush with five minutes left. Bobrovsky allowed a career-worst six goals in a 6-4 loss to New Jersey last Saturday and wasn’t expecting to play until Ilya Bryzgalov showed up to the morning skate with the flu.

“It doesn’t matter whether it was my fault or not, I didn’t want to allow those goals,” the second-year Russian goaltender said through an interpreter. “It was good to have a chance to redeem myself.”

After Hartnell scored the only goal of a nondescript first period, the teams combined for six goals in the second — three of them in the first six minutes.

Bozak tied it 54 seconds into the period, bouncing a pass off the skate of Philadelphia defenseman Braydon Coburn and into the net. Just 2:38 later, Talbot deflected a slap shot by Andrej Meszaros past James Reimer.

Ex-Flyer Joffrey Lupul scored a power-play goal at 5:57 to tie it at 2-2. Dion Phaneuf’s shot bounced out of Bobrovsky’s glove, and Lupul put it into the net for his 22nd goal.

But Giroux put the Flyers ahead to stay when he beat Reimer with a quick shot into the top right corner after a perfect pass from the side of the net. Schenn made it 4-2 when he scored into a wide-open net after Danny Briere’s shot from the right wing hit Reimer’s right shoulder and ricocheted to the left circle.

Bozak scored his second of the night and 12th of the season, banging home a rebound through traffic with 1:51 left in the period.

But Bobrovsky stopped all 10 shots he faced in the third period.

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• Wins: 25
• losses: 27
• shootout wins: 3
• shootout losses: 3
• points: 54

. recap.

Jets end Maple Leafs’ win streak at three
Wednesday, 02.08.2012 / 12:38 AM
WINNIPEG – The MTS Centre is where visiting team’s win streaks go to die and where the Winnipeg Jets continue to fortify their playoff push.

The Eastern Conference playoff race is beginning round into shape as the NHL calendar marches toward April. A 2-1 win for the Winnipeg Jets against the Toronto Maple Leafs on Tuesday night at the MTS Centre will allow the Jets to remain a player in that race for the moment, despite a dreadful January skid that bled into February.

“We looked tired coming off a road trip,” Jets coach Claude Noel said. “I didn’t think we gave them a whole ton, but we did some things, and it’s a big win for us.”

After a 2-4-0 road trip in which the Jets (25-24-6) managed only goals over the six games, Winnipeg’s quickly fading playoffs hopes received a boost with the two points against the Leafs (28-20-6), who saw their three-game win streak came to a halt.

The Leafs, on a 5-0-1 roll before meeting the Jets, are the fourth team to see an undefeated streak of five or more games end at the MTS Centre with a loss to the Jets this season and remain stranded where they began the night – stuck at 62 points. With a game at Philadelphia on Thursday, the Leafs are now three points behind New Jersey and Pittsburgh, but just one point ahead of eighth-place Ottawa.

Toronto lost for the second time this season in the MTS Centre, where being back in front of their home crowd continues to serve the Jets well.

“It was nice to get home,” said Jets center Bryan Little, who broke a 1-1 tie in the second period with his game-winning strike. “It feels like we’ve been gone for a long time.”

But the Jets will not be home for long. A two-game Jets road trip begins on Thursday night against the Washington Capitals. Winning the Southeast Division outright might be the Jets’ most direct path to an Eastern Conference playoff spot. The Jets now sit four points behind the Capitals, who wrestled away the Southeast Division lead with a 4-0 win against the visiting Florida Panthers on Tuesday. Ottawa’s loss at home to St. Louis allowed the Jets to creep to within five points of the Senators as well.

“Tomorrow is another day,” winning goaltender Ondrej Pavelec said, “and we go to Washington and Pittsburgh. It’s going to be a battle again.”

Along with a goal from Chris Thorburn and Little’s second-period tally, the Jets limited the Leafs to 13 shots over the opening 40 minutes. Pavelec finished his evening with a 17-save performance that included a stop on Matt Lombardi’s in-close chance with just over four minutes remaining that helped to close out the Leafs.

“All season long we have stayed positive,” Pavelec said of a team that had to return to Winnipeg after a poor performance against the Canadiens. “We know it’s a hard League, never an easy game. We tried to stay positive no matter what.”

Phil Kessel picked up his 30th goal of the season — the fourth straight campaign he’s accomplished that feat — to account for the Leafs’ only goal. Toronto goaltender Jonas Gustavsson made his first start in four games and stopped 27 Winnipeg shots.

The Leafs hung an early deficit on the Jets when Kessel scooted past Winnipeg defenseman Dustin Byfuglien before slicing across the high slot and snapping a heavy shot that fooled Pavelec at 11:06. The Jets have allowed the first goal in six of their last seven games.

But Winnipeg responded with the club’s first first-period goal since Jan. 19 when Zach Bogosian reached Thorburn with a outlet pass that sent the burly winger tearing down the left boards. Thorburn then cut hard past Luke Schenn on his off-wing and backhanded a shot that beat Gustavsson’s glove hand on the far corner. After having gone without a goal over 59 games dating back to March 2011 and not scoring his first goal of the season until last week, Thorburn now has two goals in five games.

“It was nice to see him score again,” Noel said of Thorburn. “He endured enough for the first 50 games, so it’s nice to see him get some success. That line has been really reliable for us and has played well.”|

After the Leafs’ early goal, Thorburn also skated on that Winnipeg checking line with Jim Slater and Tanner Glass that matched the Leafs’ top line featuring Kessel, Joffrey Lupul and Tyler Bozak that combined for just three shots.

“It’s really rewarding as a line,” Thorburn said of scoring and bottling up the Kessel line. “It’s definitely a challenge. Tonight was a case where they scored early on us and as a line we said, ‘We’ve got to do better.’” So, we did that.”

The Leafs’ work inside the offensive zone did not please coach Ron Wilson.

“They did a good job in their zone,” Wilson said of the Jets, “but we didn’t direct enough pucks toward the net. We were trying to make an extra play, an extra pass and things like that. We just didn’t scramble them up enough.”

The Jets hit the two-goal mark in regulation time for the first time since Jan. 21 when Blake Wheeler drove through the left circle to the Toronto net, where Gustavsson poked away the puck. But Little crashed the slot, beat Lombardi to the puck and shoved home the rebound before Gustavsson could scramble back into position.

“(Great) play by Wheeler,” Little said. “He was driving the net wide and, you know, once he uses his speed and size and takes it to the net like that, it’s hard to stop him. For me, all I had to do was go to the net and tap it into the empty net, so it was pretty easy for me.”

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philadelphia > RE: Best Self Pleasure Method
Originally Posted: Fri, 24 Jun 14:45 EDT

RE: Best Self Pleasure Method

——————————————————————————–
Date: 2005-06-24, 2:45PM EDT

——————————————————————————–

I’ve got to hand it to the Original Poster. Using a blood pressure sleeve as a masturbatory device is a very creative technique. I feel that it is incumbent upon me to share my favorite alternative masturbation technique with the males of Craig’s List as well.

Using a very complex mathematical formula (Villanova grad- Physics and Statistics dual major), I was able to make the determination that heating an unskinned cantelope in the microwave for six minutes and thirty-two seconds will cause the interior of the cantelope to warm to the average basal body temperature of a woman’s vagina. After removing the cantelope from the microwave and skinning it, I carve out a small hole using a potato peeler and let my erect penis do the rest of the work! As you penetrate the warm, soft, fruity flesh of the cantelope, you will find that it feels EXACTLY like sinking into a real woman! And even better, YOU’RE in complete control of the cantelope!

I usually climax into the cantelope as I call out the name of my hottest ex-girlfriend, Heather. Heather was very, very hot (GREAT ass) but she was so annoying (even in bed) that it completely spoiled her hottness- including that hot ass, which I would sniff and lick like a rabid dog whenever I got the opportunity. Since a cantelope by its very nature is incapable of verbal communication, this most precious piece of produce can ultimately sometimes be more satisfying.

My Catholic education taught me some real values, and I hestitate to waste ANY food products while millions starve in both the Third World and industrialized nations. Consequently, I make sure to chop up the cantelope after I masturbate into it and make a fruit salad. I usually add some watermelon, strawberries, grapes, blueberries, starfruit and sliced kiwi in with the “treated” cantelope.

(CAUTIONARY NOTE: Watermelons serve as very poor masturbationary devices. Aside from being too large for most microwaves, the seeds can cause serious injury to your penis. Try explaining that to an emergency room physician! Additionaly, the flesh of a watermelon begins to reek as it warms in ways that an actual, live vulva never could. I’ve performed oral sex on girls who have been jogging in 90 degree weather after sunbathing on the beach all day, and watermelon smells MUCH worse.)

After garnishing with romaine lettuce and that “other” cream- Cool Whip- I serve the fruit salad (affectionatly referred to as BLFS, or “Blown Load Fruit Salad”) to my roommates and female friends, who have no idea that they are actually eating my blown load. I feel guilty about serving it to my roommates (especially when they ask for some BLFS by name and have no idea as to what they are actually referring), but I feel funny telling them not to eat it because I used the cantelope to empty my testicle. (Yes, I have only one- motorbike accident when I was 12.) Plus, it WOULD look rather suspicious if only the women availed themselves of the fruit salad that I offered to all of my guests.

Serving Blown Load Fruit Salad does have one MAJOR benefit- it’s a huge confidence booster when I see a girl out at the bar who has eaten a generous helping of this most seminal recipe. I am better able to hold a confident and clever conversation with even the most stunningly beautiful women, armed with the knowledge that she thoroughly enjoyed a clandestine serving of my sperm. To date, I have scored 3 hook-ups that are fully attributable to my increased confidence while conversing with these women. (Funny story- one of them remarked that I have the worst tasting sperm that they have ever swallowed. She didn’t say that the first time around!)

I would be remiss if I did not advocate safe sex with the wares found at your local grocer. Condoms will protect you from various fruit-borne illnesses. (If you are really determined to serve Blown Load Fruit Salad afterward, you can just shake out the condom into the cantelope.) There are reports that tribes in Zimbabwe found that their penises would become inflamed and attract insects after a similar ritual was performed using the Green Cabasawa Melonfruit that is native to that region. Its composition is similar to the California cantelope in several respects, and you do not want a trail of fruit flies zipping around your crotch as you walk around the neighborhood. It is not only unsightly, but they really start to take a chunk out of your peter after a while.

Also, be VERY careful about using other fruit varieties for sexual gratification- the flesh of many produce items becomes much too hot even at relatively low cook times. I once suffered second degree burns during an encounter with a deceptively warm pineapple. I’ve found that the mathematical formula (which I cannot reproduce here, due to all of the necessary characters and Greek symbols not being available) only works for a cantelope. (Wait- I used the word “reproduce.” Get it- rePRODUCE.)

In any event, I post this because it’s much easier to buy a cantelope for most guys than to obtain a blood pressure sleeve. Now fuck that fruit with a smile!

P.S. I have copyrighted calling out “Heather! Heather!” while making love to a cantelope. Please use the name of another female if you wish to avoid receiving a nastygram from my attorney. Penalties for infringement can be severe.

PostingID: 80712647

Their’s another edition to the things you didn’t want to read category.
Enjoy, or don’t, as the case may be. lol.

• Wins: 25
• losses: 26
• shootout wins: 3
• shootout losses: 3
• points: 54

. recap.

Leafs beat Oilers for third straight win
Monday, 02.06.2012 / 9:53 PM
TORONTO — Make it three in a row for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Phil Kessel had two goals and an assist as the Leafs extended their winning streak with a 6-3 victory against the Edmonton Oilers at the Air Canada Centre on Monday night.

Toronto has now earned at least a point in six straight contests. For Edmonton, it was its first regulation loss in six games (4-0-1).

The Oilers were without their head coach Tom Renney, who was hit with a puck earlier in the day and required several stitches. Assistant coach Ralph Kreuger ran Edmonton’s bench Monday night.

Tyler Bozak scored what turned out to be the game-winning goal early in the second period. In what seemed like a harmless play, Cam Barker had the puck in his own zone and was looking for an outlet pass, but Bozak was playing Barker close and was able to get enough to steal the puck and flip it over a surprised Devan Dubnyk at 4:15. It was Bozak’s 10th goal of the season.

The goal came two and a half minutes after Kessel gave Toronto a 3-2 lead 1:45 into the second on his 28th tally of the season. Kessel smartly circled behind the Oilers’ net to elude coverage by Ryan-Nugent Hopkins before being set up to the far side of Dubnyk by Matthew Lombardi, whose slight hesitation before making the pass allowed Kessel to get into position. With the goal, Kessel now has 300 total career points. He would later add an empty-net goal.

After Jeff Petry pulled the Oilers within one at 13:24 with his first goal since Nov. 22, Toronto regained a two-goal advantage. Initially thwarted by Dubnyk when trying to finish of a 2-on-1 down low with Mikhail Grabovski, Joffrey Lupul stayed in front of the net. When Dion Phaneuf unleashed a wobbling puck towards the goal, Lupul was able to glove it down and beat Dubnyk for his 21st goal of the season.

If James Reimer had any dreams of three straight games with a shutout, they came to an abrupt end, as Jordan Eberle scored for the Oilers just 21 seconds into the game. Sam Gagner recorded the second assist to continue his torrid pace, as he now has 13 points in his past four games.

Toronto tied the game exactly eight minutes later when MacArthur fired a quick shot to beat Dubnyk for his 17th goal of the season.

Grabovski continued his strong play of late, playing a part in the Leafs’ second goal, which gave them a temporary lead with just over six minutes remaining in the first. He took the puck at the goal line to the right of Reimer and skated down the right wing into Oilers’ zone. After eluding Barker, he circled behind Dubnyk before flipping a short pass to Jake Gardiner, who beat the Oilers’ goaltender to the far side. It was Gardiner’s second goal of the season.

But the Oilers tied it before the intermission, as Eberle finished off a give-and-go with Petry for his second goal of the night at 17:30.

Edmonton rookie Ryan Nugent-Hopkins was forced to leave the game in the third period after aggravating his recent shoulder injury. He will be re-evaluated Tuesday.

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• Wins: 24
• losses: 26
• shootout wins: 3
• shootout losses: 3
• points: 52

. Recap.

Leafs pummel struggling Senators 5-0
Saturday, 02.04.2012 / 11:26 PM
KANATA, Ont. – Saturday night’s edition of the Battle of Ontario was a tale of two teams heading in different directions.

Phil Kessel and Tyler Bozak each had a goal and two assists, while Luke Schenn, Cody Franson and Dion Phaneuf also scored as the Toronto Maple Leafs continued their recent surge by routing the struggling Ottawa Senators 5-0.

The Leafs (27-19-6), who have won five of their last seven, held onto eighth place in the East — while the Senators (27-21-7) continue to spiral downward; Saturday was their sixth consecutive loss. Scoring continues to be an issue for Ottawa, which has only eight goals in its last six games and hasn’t scored an even strength goal in seven periods.

James Reimer recorded his second consecutive shutout and his third of the season, turning away all 49 shots. Craig Anderson, who made his 17th straight start, finished with 35 saves.

“We did what we needed to a couple of nights ago in Pittsburgh and here again tonight,” Reimer said. “Right from the get-go I thought we played real smart, honest hockey. We didn’t make a lot of mistakes and we were smart with the puck.”

For the Leafs’ goaltender, getting the second half of the back-to-back shutouts was sweet — especially in a rival building.

“It’s nice, and it’s only happened once before in my career, so for it to happen in (Ottawa) it’s always a lot of fun,” Reimer said. “I wish I could take credit for it but the guys just played unbelievable tonight. Ottawa did a really good job of trying to get the puck in front but our d-men just boxed them, so hats off to them. When the guys are going hard and scoring goals, it boosts your morale.”

The Maple Leafs opened the scoring when Jake Gardiner, showing tremendous patience with the puck, dished off to Kessel, who went top-shelf on Anderson at 13:47 to break a personal three-game scoreless streak.

Kessel, who has four goals and five assists against Ottawa this season, insists that there’s no secret to his renewed success.

“I think I’ve had my legs the past few games. I don’t think it’s (playing against Ottawa) – the puck just found the net tonight,” he said.

Toronto made it 2-0 at 17:02 during a power play. With Sergei Gonchar in the box for hooking, Kessel fed the puck to a waiting Phaneuf, who wired a shot from the right faceoff dot past Anderson for his first goal in 11 games.

The Leafs made it 3-0 at 8:25 of the second when Kessel made a gorgeous neutral zone pass to Bozak, who split the defense and beat a sprawling Anderson.

The Leafs poured it on in the third period, when Lupul fed Schenn for his second of the season at 5:39, and added another power-play goal when Franson, Clarke MacArthur and Mikhail Grabovski went back and forth with the puck. Franson regained control and wristed it past Anderson at 12:17.

The Senators had three power plays but couldn’t capitalize on their chances. The Leafs have killed off their last 22 shorthanded situations and have yet to allow a power-play goal in their 14 games in 2012.

Colby Armstrong, naturally pleased with the win, also enjoyed coming into an arena crammed with blue and white jerseys.

“We got great goaltending the entire night and (Reimer) has been awesome for us,” he said. “We had the “go Leafs go” chant going the whole night, and that was pretty cool to come into Ottawa and have half, or more than half of the building be Toronto Maple Leafs fans.”

The Senators, who lost 2-1 in overtime to the New York Islanders at home on Friday, are looking for answers to a slump that is threatening to spoil what’s been a surprisingly good season.

“We lose the special teams battles, our power play doesn’t score, our penalty kill gets scored on … our five-on-five is probably a fairly even game, but you need some support on your power play and stops from your penalty kill,” center Jason Spezza said. “It’s kind of the recipe for what was going on when we were winning games. Now we’re losing games and those are two contributing factors. We didn’t get any puck luck around the net, too.

“There’s ups and downs during the season – right now we’re in a down point, so it’s about how quick we can turn this thing around. There’s a cluster of teams fighting it out (for playoff spots). This is no time to quit or get down on ourselves.”

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• Wins: 23
• losses: 26
• shootout wins: 3
• shootout losses: 3
• points: 50

recap.

Leafs end Penguins’ streak with 1-0 win
Thursday, 02.02.2012 / 12:07 AM
TORONTO — The Toronto Maple Leafs didn’t let the memory of a victory that slipped away 24 hours earlier haunt them on Wednesday night.

Clarke MacArthur’s goal with 6:05 left in regulation gave Toronto a 1-0 victory against Pittsburgh, ending the Penguins’ eight-game winning streak and earning the Leafs a measure of revenge for a painful loss 24 hours earlier.

MacArthur took a quick pass from Mikhail Grabovski, who had drawn two Penguins to him, went around Penguins goaltender Brent Johnson and put backhanded his 16th of the season into the wide-open net. MacArthur now has four goals in his past three games and is edging closer to his second straight 20 goal season.

More important, Toronto moved into seventh place in the East after earning three out of a possible four points against a conference opponent — despite blowing a 4-1 third-period lead in a 5-4 shootout loss at Pittsburgh on Tuesday.

“I thought it was a harder-fought game tonight,” MacArthur said. “It felt like a playoff game. There wasn’t much given up on either side. You know, it was just nice to see our team [stick] with it. It’s easy to get frustrated.

“We stuck with it and got the win.”

The goal came just moments after Pittsburgh’s James Neal tipped Brooks Orpik’s shot off the crossbar — one of three times the Penguins beat James Reimer but caught iron. Reimer, making his first start since Jan. 17, stopped 25 shots for his second shutout of the season. When the final horn blew, he looked to the sky in celebration.

“Honestly, I feel like I have been playing good; just wasn’t getting the bounces,” Reimer said after his first win since Dec. 23. “[The puck] would deflect off guys and in and today they were deflecting off guys and off the post or wide.”

“It was just great to get the breaks and benefit from them. … It was just fun to be in there and to get a little help from our buddy the posts.”

It was Pittsburgh’s first loss since Jan. 11 — though the Penguins felt they played better than they had on Tuesday.

“We were obviously a lot better,” Orpik said. “But we were just saying, it’s funny how we probably didn’t deserve to even be in that game last night and we get two points out of it. Then tonight, we probably deserve better but we come out on the losing end.”

There was no scoring through 40 minutes of the rematch, although early in the second it looked as though the Penguins’ top line had opened the scoring.

Malkin took the puck at the corner boards to the right of Reimer, made a spin move to elude John Michael-Liles and then sent a backhander on net. Initially it looked like Chris Kunitz, who was in the crease being covered by Cody Franson, had the puck go off him and past Reimer. But after video review, it was ruled that Kunitz had directed the puck into the net with a distinct kicking motion and the goal was waived off.

Johnson had not played since Jan. 10 but was solid all night, stopping 23 shots. He stoned Phil Kessel less than 30 seconds into the second period. Later, with Malkin in the box for holding, he stopped Liles’ slap shot and didn’t allow a rebound.

Liles returned to the lineup after an extended absence, he had not played since Dec. 22 due to a concussion and finished the night with three shots and two blocked shots.

Reimer was on his toes when Pittsburgh buzzed around the Leafs zone with 3 1/2 minutes remaining in the period. He stopped Tyler Kennedy’s shot from in close though being screened by his own defenseman, then smothered the rebound as Kennedy crashed the net. Nine seconds later, Kris Letang was set up for a shot after a good cross-ice pass, but Reimer was equal to the task again.

Pens coach Dan Bylsma thought that his team didn’t get enough shots on Reimer.

“We couldn’t find a goal out there and we didn’t get enough pucks on the net early on in that game when we had opportunities to get scoring chances and goals,” he said. “It’s a tight game and they end up getting one late.”

Both goalies, who had not seen action in a long time, could consider the opening period a success.

Reimer was welcomed into the game with a Kennedy shot that hit iron; later in the period, Matt Niskanen’s point shot also rang off the post. His toughest test came on a shorthanded break by Matt Cooke, who attempted to beat Reimer with a high short-side backhand attempt but was turned away.

At the other end of the ice, Johnson made several nice saves, including two right pad saves against Brown, but his best save came late in the period when he robbed Joey Crabb who was set up with a point-blank chance.

“It helped that I got a few shots at the start was able to play the puck a bit and got into a bit of a groove with that,” Johnson said.

“I felt all right, obviously disappointed in the loss, it’s definitely a step in the right direction for myself,” Johnson said. “Our guys played well; one little chance for them and they made good.”

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• Wins: 22
• losses: 26
• shootout wins: 3
• shootout losses: 3
• points: 48

Recap.

Pens rally, beat Leafs in shootout
Tuesday, 01.31.2012 / 11:42 PM
PITTSBURGH — There’s no stopping Evgeni Malkin these days – even if it takes him more than 59½ minutes to get going.

Malkin scored the tying goal on a deflection with 6.6 seconds remaining in regulation, then was the only skater to find the net in a three-round shootout as the Pittsburgh Penguins surged back from a three-goal deficit to beat the Toronto Maple Leafs 5-4 at Consol Energy Center on Tuesday night.

“Everybody was not playing the right way tonight,” Penguins defenseman’ Kris Letang said. “I don’t think our team gave a solid effort but, at the end of the day, we had guys that had big goals and big plays at the end of the game.”

The Penguins have won a season-best eight in a row, with the last two and four of six decided in shootouts. Malkin and Chris Kunitz scored in a shootout as the Penguins won 3-2 at St. Louis on Jan. 24 in their final game before the All-Star break.

Malkin, the NHL scoring leader with 59 points, has 10 goals and four assists during Pittsburgh’s longest winning streak since it won 12 in a row last season.

During a night that couldn’t have started much worse or ended much better for him, Penguins goalie Marc-Andre Fleury surrendered two goals to Mikhail Grabovski as Pittsburgh fell behind 4-1, but bounced back to make 35 saves. Fleury then turned aside Grabovski, Nazem Kadri and Phil Kessel during the shootout.

“I haven’t looked at the numbers across the League, but I feel he’s the best (goalie) to have in there during a shootout,” Penguins coach Dan Bylsma said.

The Penguins are 7-2 in shootouts to Toronto’s 3-3.

Fleury made a succession of acrobatic saves despite yielding the four goals during his 23rd consecutive appearance; he has not had a night off since Dec. 3. Penguins forward Joe Vitale said that if it hadn’t been for Fleury, “It could have been 8-0, easily.”

“He was the best player on the ice,” Toronto forward Joffrey Lupul said. “He made huge saves.”

Still, the save of the night was made just ahead of Pittsburgh’s comeback by Letang, the All-Star defenseman who stretched out full length with his stick to block Tyler Bozak’s shot toward an unguarded net. Fleury had abandoned the net to stop Bozak’s breakaway attempt.

“I knew the guy didn’t have a lot of time to put it in the air, so I just tried to put my body on the ice and my stick, and I think he just didn’t get a lot of it,” Letang said.

The Penguins responded with a three-goal flurry in which Steve Sullivan, Vitale and Malkin scored in less than 12 minutes.

The encouraging news the Penguins received about superstar Sidney Crosby earlier in the night – he has a treatable neck injury that may have mimicked a concussion – didn’t initially create much of a momentum surge.

“But when you win eight in a row, you’re dealing with a pretty confident group, and I think confidence comes when you’re down 1-0 or 2-0 or even 4-1 in the third,” Vitale said.

Malkin emerged from the week-long All-Star break with nine goals in seven games, only to be initially upstaged by Grabovski, who had a goal and four assists in two games last week.

Grabovski, the NHL’s First Star last week, scored the game’s first two goals slightly more than three minutes apart in the second period and now has seven points in his last two games.

After Matt Cooke scored for the first time in 20 games for Pittsburgh, the Maple Leafs appeared to have sealed their third successive win when Bozak and Clarke MacArthur scored 19 seconds apart early in the third period, making it 4-1. Bozak hadn’t scored since Dec. 19 before netting a power-play goal.

But was it over? Not yet.

Sullivan and Vitale made it 4-3 before Malkin’s tying goal – his 27th — came with an extra attacker on the ice and the Penguins pressing in the closing seconds. James Neal’s shot from the right circle deflected off Malkin’s chest at the edge of the crease – Malkin wasn’t even looking to make a play – and past a surprised Jonas Gustavsson, who was visibly angry at surrendering a goal with victory so near.

“We got sloppy toward the end,” Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson said. “Even with the empty net situation, all we had to do was chip it off the boards and the game was over, and we didn’t do that.”

Malkin’s goal was upheld on video review as the Penguins won their fourth in a row at home, all after regulation. The longtime Maple Leafs antagonist has nine goals and 27 assists in 18 games against them.

The teams meet in the second game of their home-and-home series Wednesday night at the Air Canada Centre.

“We’re not happy with this,” Leafs captain Dion Phaneuf said. “It’s unacceptable to have that lead and lose that hockey game. … We took the game to them for the first 55 minutes, but after that we sat back and tightened up and they took over the game. They broke us.”

Toronto also had an apparent goal by Bozak waved off for goaltender interference in the first period. Lupul disputed the call.

“In hindsight, it was an important goal to be waved off,” Wilson said.

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